Check in, Relax, Take a shower

Friday 24th June

California is truly a unique place, I can think of nowhere else where you can laze on golden beaches, ski on snow capped mountains or hike through scorching deserts all within the same month within the same state.

We have finally reached the final destination of our trip, which could well prove to be the most dangerous place we have visited to date, well for me anyway.

For some Las Vegas is a place of great hope, such as damn I hope we can win back some of the bloody money we have spent on this trip, but in reality it is more likely to be the place that will see me spend the rest of what I have and commit us all to a life of abject poverty.

So not wanting to dwell on the inevitable lets review the last few days in California......

We were all extremely sad to have to leave Lake Tahoe but Yosemite promised to be just as beautiful and it certainly didn’t let us down, we entered the national park from the north and there was snow everywhere.

Tyler spent no time at all in jumping out of the car and rolling around in it until his face was purple, his clothes were saturated and he could no longer feel the tips of his fingers, most other parents may have stepped in far earlier but he looked like he was having too much fun.

When we were finally satisfied that he wouldn’t lose his limbs we then proceeded to search for somewhere to lay our heads down for the night.

I vaguely remember my mate Dave mentioning that we should probably book our hotel immediately (when I spoke to him a few months ago) as it gets very busy, but as we didn’t know what day we would get there we thought we would risk it.

As it turns out this was a bit of an arror of judgement which saw us driving around various different roads at various levels of frustration for the next 5 hours hoping against hope that someone had got sick and cancelled their room.

We literally tried every hotel within a 40 mile radius until eventually we stumbled across what can only be described as a slightly run down version of the bates motel replete with its very own dead body smell on tap.

Pauline was someone confused when she noticed that you received a free hobo with every room but I quickly pointed out that in fact HBO was a TV network and I would have proved it to her too if our electrical equipment hadn’t been mutilated by the last lobotomised psycho to have frequented our room.

Luckily it was only for one night because having tried every single hotel in the area again the following morning we decided to cut our loses and head to Death Valley, we did have a chance to drive around and see a few of the sights though and they were absolutely spectacular.

Unfortunately at that precise moment our Sat Nav got it into its circuitry that we hadn’t done enough driving over the passed few days and as such decided to take us the longest way possible through some of the most uninteresting / unsanitary areas California has to offer.

This was how we found ourselves spending the night at the Motel 6 in Bakersfield surrounded by members of some territorial gang and their fateful canine companions, still that didn’t stop Tyler from attempting to mingle with them in the swimming pool totally unphased as always.

Fortunately we had far more luck securing accommodation at Death Valley as there was literally only one place to stay and it cost us an arm and a leg but it was very nice and I couldnt be arsed to drive the hour back out to another Motel 6 and potential turf wars.

You can sort of figure out how Death valley got its name as when we arrived the temperature was a roasty 48 degrees and apparently can get up to the 50's.

We visited a place called Badwater which is 282 feet below sea level and it apparently reached 58 degrees there in 1913, people literally watched as birds just fell out of the sky and died.

So with this in mind you can imagine my surprise that our hotel had a golf course and tennis courts that still seemed to be open, it was so hot that Paulines crocs started to melt walking to the hotel room.

Anyway that’s about it, in a few minutes I am off to pick my mum up from the airport, yipee someone else to talk to for a change!!

Smarter than the average film crew

Sunday 19th June

Having been to multiple theme parks already we decided to mix it up a little and do yet another theme park for our final day in LA.

Saying that we left the best until last is somewhat of an understatement though, because the Six Flags – Magic Mountain was absolutely incredible.

Our hearts sunk when we arrived as we were met by what can only be described as a flash mob of under 16 year olds streaming in from every direction as far as the eye could see, I was half expecting them to break into a heavily choreographed dance routine but it turns out that it was just the first day of their school holidays.

So, as a special treat for the final day we decided to splurge on fast passes which meant we didn’t need to queue for the rides and even then we still didn’t manage to do all of the roller-coasters they had there.

In the course of a day we were propelled forwards at speed, backwards at speed, upside down at speed, upside down and backwards at speed and finally all four in one particularly interesting ride called the X2.

By the end of the day we didn’t know what way was up and struggled to walk in a straight line but we all agreed that it had been a riot.

From here we headed north to San Francisco, a city that had a hell of a lot to live up to being the only place that I can think of that nobody I know has ever said a bad word about.

The first thing that strikes you as you drive into town is that they have an abundance of 4 way stop signs, its as if someone with OCD was put in charge of traffic congestion and they just went crazy.

Then, at no discernible frequency, they will intersperse these with the odd heavily camouflaged traffic light intersection, usually cleverly positioned in front of a neon billboard advertising something red, green or both just to make you really struggle.

So having finally navigated our way through to our hotel with my adrenalin pumping far faster than it had been on the Six Flags roller coasters we decided to take it easy for the rest of the day.

Fortunately / unfortunately the hotel was directly opposite one of the last vestiges of the great American breakfast, an IHOP (International House of Pancakes) where literally everything on the menu is guaranteed to double your size.

So in order to try to shift a few of the excess pounds we have accumulated over the last few months the following day we decided to do the first healthy thing we have done in ages, we rented bikes in an attempt to cycle across the golden gate bridge.

Like sticking your tongue onto the end of a battery, it seemed like such a good idea at the time but deep down inside you knew that its going to hurt like hell afterwards and true to form this was no exception.

But what an experience, the sun was shining, the bikes were comfortable and the wind was trying its hardest to blow us clear over the side at every possible opportunity, which was a pain on the way there, struggling up the steep inclines, but made getting back a synch and lulled you into thinking you were healthier than you actually are.

With slightly aching muscles, the following day we headed out to Alcatraz which was brilliant and if I ever commit a heinous crime I would hope to be sent there, mostly because it is closed down though in fairness.

If the Americans do anything well it is providing well organized tourist attractions and this was run with military precision, its a nightmare to get tickets and we had to wait two days but from the moment we boarded the ship over everything was run superbly.

There is a section where you don a rather fetching audio device and walk around on a self guided tour of the cell blocks with lots of other similarly lost tourists all nodding and humming at specific prompts and staring intently at empty beds.

Then from there you are free to wander about the island imagining what it would be like to have been stuck there for any length of time watching the skyline of San Francisco a mile across the water and when the wind blows hearing everyone enjoying their freedom.

Luckily for us freedom was but a short cruise back across the water and we then proceeded once again to jump into the car and head off East to Lake Tahoe and just for the record San Francisco is just as amazing as I had heard, admittedly I havent done in justice here but then again how is that any different from anywhere else?

Anyway, I have heard a lot of people rant on about the beauty of New Zealand and how nothing else compares to the magnificence of the landscape but I would imagine that these people have probably never made it over to Lake Tahoe.

As you drive along route 50 towards the south of the lake you are literally surrounded by giant firs, water rapids and mountains still caked in snow which really begs an interesting question concerning Yogi Bear.

As most of you know Yogi Bear is the loveable rouge of Jellystone National Park a fictional place loosely based on Yellowstone in the US which apparently is a place of immense beauty and having seen the new film you would be forgiven in thinking that this is exactly where it was shot.

With such an abundance of natural beauty to be found in the US I find it a little strange then to discover that the majority of the film was in fact shot in New Zealand, information that we had learned whilst in New Zealand but just shrugged off not having seen any of this at the time.

Well, now that I have seen both I cant help thinking that the sole reason for this decision was based upon a whim and the fact that a few guys from the US quite fancied a trip to New Zealand and who the hell can blame them.

The amazing thing is that they probably spent a small fortune making the New Zealand landscape resemble the flora and fauna of the US and absolutely nobody cares.

Hmm well having gone off on a complete tangent as always I am now going to do something completely stupid and rent some more bikes for yet another day of punishment but this time in the serene beauty of Tahoe and who knows we may ever see a bear!

Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

Saturday 11th June

Some time ago a group of grey bearded, white coated scientists used a government grant of some description to study the effects of jet lag on a human being.

Their results established conclusively that the body takes around 72 hours to fully adjust to a different time zone during which time it is likely that you will be completely knackered and a bit of a fuddy duddy.

So how is it that for the passed three days I have slept like a baby, rising at around 08:00 every morning and crashing out at around 23:00 but here on day 4 I find myself updating this bloody blog at 02:30.

Well, we made it to LA relatively unscathed, we were almost really lucky on the flight over too as when we arrived at the gate to board my name was being called out over the tannoy system and I therefore presumed that my wonderful BA card had blagged us all an upgrade.

Unfortunately on this occasion I was slightly off the mark in my assessment of the situation as apparently instead of obtaining a reclining seat and vanilla scented facial towelettes I was actually being accused of smuggling drugs and carted off to the airport basement flanked by security guards.

Although we should have already known this, it turns out that anyone who has visited Bali and Australia must be smuggling drugs of some description as there is apparently absolutely no other reason to have been to both destinations.

Unfortunately we had missed this flyer before we arrived in New Zealand and therefore forgot to pack out all of our teddy bears butts with crack cocaine or force Pauline into swallowing those condoms full of meth amphetamine.

Still, I guess this is our loss and the nice people at the airport still had some enjoyment having watched me take out each individual item to convince them that Tylers wet suit wasn’t made of reconstituted hashish or that the DVD player wasn’t encased in solidified ecstasy tablets.

By this time however I was the only passenger not on the already delayed plane so they finally let me go, where I was met by rapturous applause by my fellow passengers and looks of disdain from the airline staff for disrupting their LA time.

So having injured all of that you can imagine my face when, upon arriving at LA passport control, my name was already being shouted out over the tannoy system once again, I had visions of very large men with very large hands and very tight rubber gloves wanting to have intimate conversations with me.

Fortunately / unfortunately it turns out that the bag that the New Zealand security team had made me go through at the airport and had convincingly assured me would make our flight, didn’t.

I cant be certain but I would imagine that normally when they relay this sort of news to passengers they are not expecting beaming smiles and looks of complete and utter relief but that's exactly what they got from me.

They then informed us that we would be receiving $100 for essentials, well they might as well have told me I had just won the lottery, I was ecstatic and we could probably make do without our non hashish weaved wet suit and DVD player for a day or two anyway.

So having finally negotiated our way through the airport without even a hint of a rectal examination we proceeded to the car rental place.

When we arrived at the rental office they gave us the option of 2 very different cars, a sporty 3.5 litre dodge charger that kind of resembles a pre-transformed bumblebee from the transformers films or a Chevrolet town&country which kind of resembles a car for someone that once had an over-active libido.

Surprisingly it seems that Tyler has outgrown his transformer days and as such I was unanimously outvoted and now have the pleasure of driving around the US in a pearly white people carrier because, according to Tyler it has, and I quote, “really cool sliding doors” and “plenty of boot space”.

Still on the bright side it does provide us with the additional space needed to squeeze into after having a meal out here.

Although I have been to the US on many occasions I always somehow manage to forget just how humongous the portion sizes are out here, its as if people cant be content unless their meal comes in a bucket and contains at least one entire animal and a years crop of potatoes.

To give you an example in MCDonalds in the UK you can pick up a chicken nugget meal and you probably get about 6 bits of so called chicken, here in LA at the moment you get 50, that’s almost an entire farm.

So, with this in mind then I still find it hard to believe that when we went to Universal Studios I somehow managed to be the heaviest person on the Jurassic Park ride and submerged myself almost entirely underwater whilst my fellow riders remained completely bone dry.

I had to endure walking around the park looking for all intents and purposes like I had just wet myself whilst people three or four times my size were not in the least bit wet and the only explanation I can come up with for this is that they were just too fat to ride.

In all of the parks over here they usually have a ride seat provided at the beginning of the line to ensure that you can squeeze your sprightly frame into the desired position and save you queuing / the embarrassment of everyone looking at your gigantic arse whilst you fail to suck in enough.

I am not sure if America has a bigger obesity problem than England but its more in your face and my theory is that they are just a little more active over here, so you see a lot more extremely large people ambling about where as in the UK they are just too lazy to get off the sofa.

Anyway, prior to universal we did the obligatory touristy sites including the Hollywood sign and the avenue of the stars which were both cool, I was pleased to see that Kermit the Frog got the recognition he deserves for everything he has done for cinema.

We then drove out to Malibu and stalked a few of the stars homes which was both sad (in the geeky sense) and uneventful, Pauline was a little disappointed that Bruce Willis didn’t make the effort to come out of his house to greet her personally, these stars can be so selfish at times!

Yesterday we went to the Knots Berry theme park which was cool, over here Tyler is able to go on practically all of the rides so we convinced him that it was really in his best interest to indulge in our roller coaster fetish and be shot upside down really really fast, several times
.......backwards.

To his merit he mostly took it in his stride and went on absolutely everything we asked him to although he may think twice before going again, well at least until we go to the next theme park tomorrow that is.

It was here that we were also introduced to another of the fine culinary delights of the US the Funnel Cake, which basically consists of deep fried batter covered in icing sugar, covered in ice cream, covered in dairy cream and then covered in more icing sugar.

It just wasn’t fattening enough for us though so we opted for the additional oreo infused crust just to add those much needed carbs and stop our slender frames from wasting away.

Oh yeah, our bag turned up at the hotel the following day as promised, it looked as though they hadn’t taken me at my word and had gone through everything again, however when they failed to lock it they simply wrapped it in a bit of cellophane and hoped for the best, which as it turned out wasn’t the greatest idea.

Anyway, I apologise if today’s blog doesn’t make a lot of sense but I blame this on the jet lag which in turn I blame on a group of scientists who blatantly spent their grant money on beer and curry and invented a 72 hour explanation just so that they didn’t get found out.

Happy birthday your majesty!

Thursday 2nd June

As I am sure that all of you are no doubt aware, this coming Monday is the Queens birthday.

What's that you say, do you mean you had no idea?

Well hang your head in shame!

How old is she you ask?

Hmm yes I believe she will turn eleventy seven.

OK yes, I hold my hands up, I too had absolutely no bloody idea when the queens birthday was either but that was before, when I was doing silly things like living on the same piece of land as she was.

Now that I am12000 miles away however it is literally drummed into our brains every single time we turn on the radio, watch TV or pick up a newspaper.

And get this, the country has the day off, they get to lounge around in their boxer shorts watching queen like quality entertainment all day why you poor suckers back in the UK have to work your little weiners off.

If for some reason they did feel like pulling their idle bodies away from the picture box for a few hours and heading down to the local shops they would be spoilt for choice as literally every single store has a blow out sale to celebrate someone that probably only visits them once a decade.

That basically sums up the entire country for me, everyone is so bloody nice that when our queenie visited long ago and asked them if they would be so kind as to worship her, they made bloody well sure that they did a top notch job of it and they do that for everything else too, they just go the extra mile.

They are also exceedingly proud of the indigenous history of the country and celebrate the Mouri culture at every possible opportunity and this got me thinking.

In Australia they have real issues with aborigines, there is hardly any integration with the indigenous communities and very little acceptance of local cultures yet fundamentally the two diverse groups are pretty similar.

So my theory is this, the reason that the aborigines have had little success integrating where their distant cousins have been widely adopted is that they lacked a cool dance.

OK, so it may not be the most scientific of theories but if you think about it there is some substance, everyone is familiar with the native Maori dance but I would bet that most people would struggle to name anything significant about aborigines.

If their ancestors could have pulled off a passable robot or hula then perhaps we would have been looking at a very different environment indeed.

Anyway there I go again off on a complete tangent so I had better get back to actually updating you on what we have been doing I suppose.

Well, having given up completely on the whole Billy Connelly itinerary as he was far more energetic than us, we limped through the remainder of the south island.

We visited Milford sound ,which ranks in the top 5 must see destinations and to be honest we were all a bit underwhelmed, having seen so much incredible scenery during our time here it would have had to have gone some to blow us away and frankly it really didn’t.

We were fortunate enough to have arrived on a completely clear day which apparently was a bit of an achievement, it seems that with an average of 258 days of rainfall its either raining, about to rain or cloudy.

We took a cruise out through the sound and whilst it was extremely pleasant it was much like the remainder of the country which meant that Tyler was mostly playing the DS and I was mostly snapping hundreds of blurry pictures that will never see the light of day.

They did park the ship beneath one of the waterfalls for a while which gave Tyler the opportunity to get completely drenched and me the opportunity to come dangerously close to breaking another camera.

Following that we put our foot down and hammered back up the coast to Christchurch, this time actually driving around the CBD and witnessing the devastation that has been caused by the recent earthquakes.

Whole sections of the centre were closed and the damage was apparent in the majority of the city, yet there was an underlying sense of community spirit, everywhere you looked their were fund-raising activities still being organised and donation boxes on every spare centimetre of worktop.

I have no doubt that within a year or so it will be business as usual for the community but because this is New Zealand they will ensure that something good comes from the destruction and you can bet your bottom dollar that they will do it beautifully.

Whilst in Christchurch we visited the Antarctic centre which was cool and probably the nearest we will ever get to the real thing, they had a staged snow storm which consisted of no snow but plenty of wind chill and brought the temperature down to a toasty -18 degrees.

Not that Tyler would have noticed , he was too busy bouncing off the walls and sliding down the ice slide with reckless abandon as if it were a seaside resort, it seemed that the colder they made it the more accelerated his actions because until I was vaguely aware of a blurry form whizzing past.

They also had a really cool caterpillar 4 wheel drive snow mobile thing that they drove you around in on a custom off road course which was cool, all of the fit peoples boobs bounced and all of the fat peoples bellies bounced as you were hurled viciously from side to side and floor to ceiling.

Unfortunately there wasn’t a lot of boob bouncing on our side of the cab which is a very good indication that our diet hasn’t been overly successful as yet and probably contributed to the unstoppable tank breaking down mid course.

From Christchurch we headed straight up the coast to Picton where we caught the ferry across to Wellington, the single most expensive journey we have done so far, it cost an absolute arm and a leg and made us realised that we are merely paying a fortune to courier a motor home from Christchurch to Auckland for the rental company.

Upon arrival in Wellington we met a family of like minded crazy people who had also packed up their lives and wandered around the world with their kids, however they had 4 so it kind of put us to shame!

It was great because Tyler had kids to play with and we had adults to talk to and believe me after only having Pauline to converse with for the past 8 months, talk we did, in fact we didn’t shut up and I think they were a little glad when we finally parted ways.

Wellington also made us realise that it was pointless to just drive constantly without really spending any time anywhere so we completely changed our plans and decided to spend multiple days in fewer places.

This gave us the opportunity to visit the fantastic Ta papa museum which is absolutely massive and full of interactive exhibits associated with New Zealand, we literally spent an entire day wandering around poking things and cooing in admiration.

We have now made it up to Lake Taupo a place for adrenaline junkies, hiking enthusiasts and of late rather rotund English families who want to have a lazy few days.

So far we have not done sky diving, bungy jumping, Arctic hiking, high wire trapeze, jet boating, kayaking, the climbing wall or the giant swing across the canyon and if we play our cards right we may even be able to avoid them by the time we leave too.

I am normally up for anything but being here and finally having a chance to relax has taken its toll on me to the point where I don’t want to do anything other than sit around in my boxer shorts and prepare to watch queen like entertainment on the picture box.