Elvis has left the building

Wednesday 6th July

As I write this I am sat on our flight back from Vegas stuck between Pauline devouring her national enquirer magazine and Tyler wriggling and snoring and I cant help but notice that we have a lot less space than we have had before.

This could well be because of cut backs to the required personal space on aircraft but I cant help but think that it may have something to do with the fact that we are all far larger than when we left the UK 9 Months 3 Weeks and 3 Days ago.

Vegas is definitely not the place to try to lose weight as the staple diet consists of a buffet breakfast, buffet lunch and buffet dinner, which for the average American is an open invitation to attempt to wipe out several indigenous species of farm animal and wash them down with 60 litres of heavily caffeinated soda.

Sadly this means that there are thousands of Americans that are continuously on sugar highs yet are too large to attempt any form of exercise whatsoever other than lifting their enormous hands onto the spin button of the nearest slot machines.

I have a feeling that we were also on that slippery slope of fatness and had we stayed there any longer I have no doubt that my chins would have doubled within the month and I could have kissed goodbye to ever seeing my feet again.

Luckily Las Vegas has devised a cunning way to ensure that you don’t continually eat out in these establishments, its called gambling and if you follow my winning formula in no time at all you will be losing valuable inches off of your waist line as well as losing your house, your car and any hair that you had left on your head in the process.

Needless to say we didn’t win the millions that would have afforded us the life of luxury upon our return so it looks as though we will be having to look for jobs again after all, well that is once we have sorted through the plethora of other things that we need to address since we have been gone.

Having picked my mum up from the airport we headed out to the grand canyon, we had all missed the opportunity of seeing it last time we were here as Virgin screwed up our itinerary so we were all excited to be able to finally make the journey.

Its certainly a mighty impressive spectacle, I don’t think I ever really knew what a canyon was until I got there and then you sort of just look, nod and comment something along the lines of “hmm yep that’s definitely it then, there's no mistaking that is there”.

Then you look around you and you see a mass of other tourists from every nationality adopting exactly the same posture and that’s when you realise that you are truly somewhere special, nowhere else that I am aware of creates the same singular reaction from this many people.

Coincidently that’s exactly when you notice that your face has started to melt from the heat, you look around and see all of the other peoples faces starting to contort from the realisation that it is indeed damn hot there.

We spent the rest of the day rushing between the cool air conditioned car to cooing over the edge of some scenic vista around the canyon and then back again, it was like some warped episode of Benny Hill but unfortunately without the bikini clad mass of women chasing after us.

From here we headed back into Vegas and impending bankruptcy at the hands of numerous casinos, however as everyone knows I cant go into that as everything that happens in Vegas stays there.

I will however endeavour to do a final post wrapping everything up as much as I can and I know a few people have asked questions along the way so I will do my best to get these answered too.

I hope that you have enjoyed accompanying us on our little trip, I still cant believe anyone is reading this stuff but thanks for bearing with us.

Check in, Relax, Take a shower

Friday 24th June

California is truly a unique place, I can think of nowhere else where you can laze on golden beaches, ski on snow capped mountains or hike through scorching deserts all within the same month within the same state.

We have finally reached the final destination of our trip, which could well prove to be the most dangerous place we have visited to date, well for me anyway.

For some Las Vegas is a place of great hope, such as damn I hope we can win back some of the bloody money we have spent on this trip, but in reality it is more likely to be the place that will see me spend the rest of what I have and commit us all to a life of abject poverty.

So not wanting to dwell on the inevitable lets review the last few days in California......

We were all extremely sad to have to leave Lake Tahoe but Yosemite promised to be just as beautiful and it certainly didn’t let us down, we entered the national park from the north and there was snow everywhere.

Tyler spent no time at all in jumping out of the car and rolling around in it until his face was purple, his clothes were saturated and he could no longer feel the tips of his fingers, most other parents may have stepped in far earlier but he looked like he was having too much fun.

When we were finally satisfied that he wouldn’t lose his limbs we then proceeded to search for somewhere to lay our heads down for the night.

I vaguely remember my mate Dave mentioning that we should probably book our hotel immediately (when I spoke to him a few months ago) as it gets very busy, but as we didn’t know what day we would get there we thought we would risk it.

As it turns out this was a bit of an arror of judgement which saw us driving around various different roads at various levels of frustration for the next 5 hours hoping against hope that someone had got sick and cancelled their room.

We literally tried every hotel within a 40 mile radius until eventually we stumbled across what can only be described as a slightly run down version of the bates motel replete with its very own dead body smell on tap.

Pauline was someone confused when she noticed that you received a free hobo with every room but I quickly pointed out that in fact HBO was a TV network and I would have proved it to her too if our electrical equipment hadn’t been mutilated by the last lobotomised psycho to have frequented our room.

Luckily it was only for one night because having tried every single hotel in the area again the following morning we decided to cut our loses and head to Death Valley, we did have a chance to drive around and see a few of the sights though and they were absolutely spectacular.

Unfortunately at that precise moment our Sat Nav got it into its circuitry that we hadn’t done enough driving over the passed few days and as such decided to take us the longest way possible through some of the most uninteresting / unsanitary areas California has to offer.

This was how we found ourselves spending the night at the Motel 6 in Bakersfield surrounded by members of some territorial gang and their fateful canine companions, still that didn’t stop Tyler from attempting to mingle with them in the swimming pool totally unphased as always.

Fortunately we had far more luck securing accommodation at Death Valley as there was literally only one place to stay and it cost us an arm and a leg but it was very nice and I couldnt be arsed to drive the hour back out to another Motel 6 and potential turf wars.

You can sort of figure out how Death valley got its name as when we arrived the temperature was a roasty 48 degrees and apparently can get up to the 50's.

We visited a place called Badwater which is 282 feet below sea level and it apparently reached 58 degrees there in 1913, people literally watched as birds just fell out of the sky and died.

So with this in mind you can imagine my surprise that our hotel had a golf course and tennis courts that still seemed to be open, it was so hot that Paulines crocs started to melt walking to the hotel room.

Anyway that’s about it, in a few minutes I am off to pick my mum up from the airport, yipee someone else to talk to for a change!!

Smarter than the average film crew

Sunday 19th June

Having been to multiple theme parks already we decided to mix it up a little and do yet another theme park for our final day in LA.

Saying that we left the best until last is somewhat of an understatement though, because the Six Flags – Magic Mountain was absolutely incredible.

Our hearts sunk when we arrived as we were met by what can only be described as a flash mob of under 16 year olds streaming in from every direction as far as the eye could see, I was half expecting them to break into a heavily choreographed dance routine but it turns out that it was just the first day of their school holidays.

So, as a special treat for the final day we decided to splurge on fast passes which meant we didn’t need to queue for the rides and even then we still didn’t manage to do all of the roller-coasters they had there.

In the course of a day we were propelled forwards at speed, backwards at speed, upside down at speed, upside down and backwards at speed and finally all four in one particularly interesting ride called the X2.

By the end of the day we didn’t know what way was up and struggled to walk in a straight line but we all agreed that it had been a riot.

From here we headed north to San Francisco, a city that had a hell of a lot to live up to being the only place that I can think of that nobody I know has ever said a bad word about.

The first thing that strikes you as you drive into town is that they have an abundance of 4 way stop signs, its as if someone with OCD was put in charge of traffic congestion and they just went crazy.

Then, at no discernible frequency, they will intersperse these with the odd heavily camouflaged traffic light intersection, usually cleverly positioned in front of a neon billboard advertising something red, green or both just to make you really struggle.

So having finally navigated our way through to our hotel with my adrenalin pumping far faster than it had been on the Six Flags roller coasters we decided to take it easy for the rest of the day.

Fortunately / unfortunately the hotel was directly opposite one of the last vestiges of the great American breakfast, an IHOP (International House of Pancakes) where literally everything on the menu is guaranteed to double your size.

So in order to try to shift a few of the excess pounds we have accumulated over the last few months the following day we decided to do the first healthy thing we have done in ages, we rented bikes in an attempt to cycle across the golden gate bridge.

Like sticking your tongue onto the end of a battery, it seemed like such a good idea at the time but deep down inside you knew that its going to hurt like hell afterwards and true to form this was no exception.

But what an experience, the sun was shining, the bikes were comfortable and the wind was trying its hardest to blow us clear over the side at every possible opportunity, which was a pain on the way there, struggling up the steep inclines, but made getting back a synch and lulled you into thinking you were healthier than you actually are.

With slightly aching muscles, the following day we headed out to Alcatraz which was brilliant and if I ever commit a heinous crime I would hope to be sent there, mostly because it is closed down though in fairness.

If the Americans do anything well it is providing well organized tourist attractions and this was run with military precision, its a nightmare to get tickets and we had to wait two days but from the moment we boarded the ship over everything was run superbly.

There is a section where you don a rather fetching audio device and walk around on a self guided tour of the cell blocks with lots of other similarly lost tourists all nodding and humming at specific prompts and staring intently at empty beds.

Then from there you are free to wander about the island imagining what it would be like to have been stuck there for any length of time watching the skyline of San Francisco a mile across the water and when the wind blows hearing everyone enjoying their freedom.

Luckily for us freedom was but a short cruise back across the water and we then proceeded once again to jump into the car and head off East to Lake Tahoe and just for the record San Francisco is just as amazing as I had heard, admittedly I havent done in justice here but then again how is that any different from anywhere else?

Anyway, I have heard a lot of people rant on about the beauty of New Zealand and how nothing else compares to the magnificence of the landscape but I would imagine that these people have probably never made it over to Lake Tahoe.

As you drive along route 50 towards the south of the lake you are literally surrounded by giant firs, water rapids and mountains still caked in snow which really begs an interesting question concerning Yogi Bear.

As most of you know Yogi Bear is the loveable rouge of Jellystone National Park a fictional place loosely based on Yellowstone in the US which apparently is a place of immense beauty and having seen the new film you would be forgiven in thinking that this is exactly where it was shot.

With such an abundance of natural beauty to be found in the US I find it a little strange then to discover that the majority of the film was in fact shot in New Zealand, information that we had learned whilst in New Zealand but just shrugged off not having seen any of this at the time.

Well, now that I have seen both I cant help thinking that the sole reason for this decision was based upon a whim and the fact that a few guys from the US quite fancied a trip to New Zealand and who the hell can blame them.

The amazing thing is that they probably spent a small fortune making the New Zealand landscape resemble the flora and fauna of the US and absolutely nobody cares.

Hmm well having gone off on a complete tangent as always I am now going to do something completely stupid and rent some more bikes for yet another day of punishment but this time in the serene beauty of Tahoe and who knows we may ever see a bear!

Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

Saturday 11th June

Some time ago a group of grey bearded, white coated scientists used a government grant of some description to study the effects of jet lag on a human being.

Their results established conclusively that the body takes around 72 hours to fully adjust to a different time zone during which time it is likely that you will be completely knackered and a bit of a fuddy duddy.

So how is it that for the passed three days I have slept like a baby, rising at around 08:00 every morning and crashing out at around 23:00 but here on day 4 I find myself updating this bloody blog at 02:30.

Well, we made it to LA relatively unscathed, we were almost really lucky on the flight over too as when we arrived at the gate to board my name was being called out over the tannoy system and I therefore presumed that my wonderful BA card had blagged us all an upgrade.

Unfortunately on this occasion I was slightly off the mark in my assessment of the situation as apparently instead of obtaining a reclining seat and vanilla scented facial towelettes I was actually being accused of smuggling drugs and carted off to the airport basement flanked by security guards.

Although we should have already known this, it turns out that anyone who has visited Bali and Australia must be smuggling drugs of some description as there is apparently absolutely no other reason to have been to both destinations.

Unfortunately we had missed this flyer before we arrived in New Zealand and therefore forgot to pack out all of our teddy bears butts with crack cocaine or force Pauline into swallowing those condoms full of meth amphetamine.

Still, I guess this is our loss and the nice people at the airport still had some enjoyment having watched me take out each individual item to convince them that Tylers wet suit wasn’t made of reconstituted hashish or that the DVD player wasn’t encased in solidified ecstasy tablets.

By this time however I was the only passenger not on the already delayed plane so they finally let me go, where I was met by rapturous applause by my fellow passengers and looks of disdain from the airline staff for disrupting their LA time.

So having injured all of that you can imagine my face when, upon arriving at LA passport control, my name was already being shouted out over the tannoy system once again, I had visions of very large men with very large hands and very tight rubber gloves wanting to have intimate conversations with me.

Fortunately / unfortunately it turns out that the bag that the New Zealand security team had made me go through at the airport and had convincingly assured me would make our flight, didn’t.

I cant be certain but I would imagine that normally when they relay this sort of news to passengers they are not expecting beaming smiles and looks of complete and utter relief but that's exactly what they got from me.

They then informed us that we would be receiving $100 for essentials, well they might as well have told me I had just won the lottery, I was ecstatic and we could probably make do without our non hashish weaved wet suit and DVD player for a day or two anyway.

So having finally negotiated our way through the airport without even a hint of a rectal examination we proceeded to the car rental place.

When we arrived at the rental office they gave us the option of 2 very different cars, a sporty 3.5 litre dodge charger that kind of resembles a pre-transformed bumblebee from the transformers films or a Chevrolet town&country which kind of resembles a car for someone that once had an over-active libido.

Surprisingly it seems that Tyler has outgrown his transformer days and as such I was unanimously outvoted and now have the pleasure of driving around the US in a pearly white people carrier because, according to Tyler it has, and I quote, “really cool sliding doors” and “plenty of boot space”.

Still on the bright side it does provide us with the additional space needed to squeeze into after having a meal out here.

Although I have been to the US on many occasions I always somehow manage to forget just how humongous the portion sizes are out here, its as if people cant be content unless their meal comes in a bucket and contains at least one entire animal and a years crop of potatoes.

To give you an example in MCDonalds in the UK you can pick up a chicken nugget meal and you probably get about 6 bits of so called chicken, here in LA at the moment you get 50, that’s almost an entire farm.

So, with this in mind then I still find it hard to believe that when we went to Universal Studios I somehow managed to be the heaviest person on the Jurassic Park ride and submerged myself almost entirely underwater whilst my fellow riders remained completely bone dry.

I had to endure walking around the park looking for all intents and purposes like I had just wet myself whilst people three or four times my size were not in the least bit wet and the only explanation I can come up with for this is that they were just too fat to ride.

In all of the parks over here they usually have a ride seat provided at the beginning of the line to ensure that you can squeeze your sprightly frame into the desired position and save you queuing / the embarrassment of everyone looking at your gigantic arse whilst you fail to suck in enough.

I am not sure if America has a bigger obesity problem than England but its more in your face and my theory is that they are just a little more active over here, so you see a lot more extremely large people ambling about where as in the UK they are just too lazy to get off the sofa.

Anyway, prior to universal we did the obligatory touristy sites including the Hollywood sign and the avenue of the stars which were both cool, I was pleased to see that Kermit the Frog got the recognition he deserves for everything he has done for cinema.

We then drove out to Malibu and stalked a few of the stars homes which was both sad (in the geeky sense) and uneventful, Pauline was a little disappointed that Bruce Willis didn’t make the effort to come out of his house to greet her personally, these stars can be so selfish at times!

Yesterday we went to the Knots Berry theme park which was cool, over here Tyler is able to go on practically all of the rides so we convinced him that it was really in his best interest to indulge in our roller coaster fetish and be shot upside down really really fast, several times
.......backwards.

To his merit he mostly took it in his stride and went on absolutely everything we asked him to although he may think twice before going again, well at least until we go to the next theme park tomorrow that is.

It was here that we were also introduced to another of the fine culinary delights of the US the Funnel Cake, which basically consists of deep fried batter covered in icing sugar, covered in ice cream, covered in dairy cream and then covered in more icing sugar.

It just wasn’t fattening enough for us though so we opted for the additional oreo infused crust just to add those much needed carbs and stop our slender frames from wasting away.

Oh yeah, our bag turned up at the hotel the following day as promised, it looked as though they hadn’t taken me at my word and had gone through everything again, however when they failed to lock it they simply wrapped it in a bit of cellophane and hoped for the best, which as it turned out wasn’t the greatest idea.

Anyway, I apologise if today’s blog doesn’t make a lot of sense but I blame this on the jet lag which in turn I blame on a group of scientists who blatantly spent their grant money on beer and curry and invented a 72 hour explanation just so that they didn’t get found out.

Happy birthday your majesty!

Thursday 2nd June

As I am sure that all of you are no doubt aware, this coming Monday is the Queens birthday.

What's that you say, do you mean you had no idea?

Well hang your head in shame!

How old is she you ask?

Hmm yes I believe she will turn eleventy seven.

OK yes, I hold my hands up, I too had absolutely no bloody idea when the queens birthday was either but that was before, when I was doing silly things like living on the same piece of land as she was.

Now that I am12000 miles away however it is literally drummed into our brains every single time we turn on the radio, watch TV or pick up a newspaper.

And get this, the country has the day off, they get to lounge around in their boxer shorts watching queen like quality entertainment all day why you poor suckers back in the UK have to work your little weiners off.

If for some reason they did feel like pulling their idle bodies away from the picture box for a few hours and heading down to the local shops they would be spoilt for choice as literally every single store has a blow out sale to celebrate someone that probably only visits them once a decade.

That basically sums up the entire country for me, everyone is so bloody nice that when our queenie visited long ago and asked them if they would be so kind as to worship her, they made bloody well sure that they did a top notch job of it and they do that for everything else too, they just go the extra mile.

They are also exceedingly proud of the indigenous history of the country and celebrate the Mouri culture at every possible opportunity and this got me thinking.

In Australia they have real issues with aborigines, there is hardly any integration with the indigenous communities and very little acceptance of local cultures yet fundamentally the two diverse groups are pretty similar.

So my theory is this, the reason that the aborigines have had little success integrating where their distant cousins have been widely adopted is that they lacked a cool dance.

OK, so it may not be the most scientific of theories but if you think about it there is some substance, everyone is familiar with the native Maori dance but I would bet that most people would struggle to name anything significant about aborigines.

If their ancestors could have pulled off a passable robot or hula then perhaps we would have been looking at a very different environment indeed.

Anyway there I go again off on a complete tangent so I had better get back to actually updating you on what we have been doing I suppose.

Well, having given up completely on the whole Billy Connelly itinerary as he was far more energetic than us, we limped through the remainder of the south island.

We visited Milford sound ,which ranks in the top 5 must see destinations and to be honest we were all a bit underwhelmed, having seen so much incredible scenery during our time here it would have had to have gone some to blow us away and frankly it really didn’t.

We were fortunate enough to have arrived on a completely clear day which apparently was a bit of an achievement, it seems that with an average of 258 days of rainfall its either raining, about to rain or cloudy.

We took a cruise out through the sound and whilst it was extremely pleasant it was much like the remainder of the country which meant that Tyler was mostly playing the DS and I was mostly snapping hundreds of blurry pictures that will never see the light of day.

They did park the ship beneath one of the waterfalls for a while which gave Tyler the opportunity to get completely drenched and me the opportunity to come dangerously close to breaking another camera.

Following that we put our foot down and hammered back up the coast to Christchurch, this time actually driving around the CBD and witnessing the devastation that has been caused by the recent earthquakes.

Whole sections of the centre were closed and the damage was apparent in the majority of the city, yet there was an underlying sense of community spirit, everywhere you looked their were fund-raising activities still being organised and donation boxes on every spare centimetre of worktop.

I have no doubt that within a year or so it will be business as usual for the community but because this is New Zealand they will ensure that something good comes from the destruction and you can bet your bottom dollar that they will do it beautifully.

Whilst in Christchurch we visited the Antarctic centre which was cool and probably the nearest we will ever get to the real thing, they had a staged snow storm which consisted of no snow but plenty of wind chill and brought the temperature down to a toasty -18 degrees.

Not that Tyler would have noticed , he was too busy bouncing off the walls and sliding down the ice slide with reckless abandon as if it were a seaside resort, it seemed that the colder they made it the more accelerated his actions because until I was vaguely aware of a blurry form whizzing past.

They also had a really cool caterpillar 4 wheel drive snow mobile thing that they drove you around in on a custom off road course which was cool, all of the fit peoples boobs bounced and all of the fat peoples bellies bounced as you were hurled viciously from side to side and floor to ceiling.

Unfortunately there wasn’t a lot of boob bouncing on our side of the cab which is a very good indication that our diet hasn’t been overly successful as yet and probably contributed to the unstoppable tank breaking down mid course.

From Christchurch we headed straight up the coast to Picton where we caught the ferry across to Wellington, the single most expensive journey we have done so far, it cost an absolute arm and a leg and made us realised that we are merely paying a fortune to courier a motor home from Christchurch to Auckland for the rental company.

Upon arrival in Wellington we met a family of like minded crazy people who had also packed up their lives and wandered around the world with their kids, however they had 4 so it kind of put us to shame!

It was great because Tyler had kids to play with and we had adults to talk to and believe me after only having Pauline to converse with for the past 8 months, talk we did, in fact we didn’t shut up and I think they were a little glad when we finally parted ways.

Wellington also made us realise that it was pointless to just drive constantly without really spending any time anywhere so we completely changed our plans and decided to spend multiple days in fewer places.

This gave us the opportunity to visit the fantastic Ta papa museum which is absolutely massive and full of interactive exhibits associated with New Zealand, we literally spent an entire day wandering around poking things and cooing in admiration.

We have now made it up to Lake Taupo a place for adrenaline junkies, hiking enthusiasts and of late rather rotund English families who want to have a lazy few days.

So far we have not done sky diving, bungy jumping, Arctic hiking, high wire trapeze, jet boating, kayaking, the climbing wall or the giant swing across the canyon and if we play our cards right we may even be able to avoid them by the time we leave too.

I am normally up for anything but being here and finally having a chance to relax has taken its toll on me to the point where I don’t want to do anything other than sit around in my boxer shorts and prepare to watch queen like entertainment on the picture box.

You know when you’ve been Tangoed

Tuesday May 24th

For those of you that have not as yet had the good fortune to have ventured over to New Zealand its easy to replicate the experience back home, simply print out the most beautifully scenic image that you can find on the internet, cut it to fit the dimensions of your windscreen and then just put your foot down.

Obviously there is a pretty major floor to this plan after a few seconds of driving but for that short interval you can at least experience some semblance of the tranquillity that lies in store, right up until you mow down the very first pedestrian that is.

Seriously though, it is exactly like driving into a different postcard every 100 meters or so, its so bad that my finger is hurting from taking so many photographs and Pauline has had constant motion sickness from my rather erratic habit of preforming 360s in the middle of a single carriage way in order to get the perfect spot!

The roads are absolutely astounding, perfectly suited to the grace and finesse of a sleek Italian sports car, winding and traversing around mountain after mountain, which is a bit of a pity as our motor home couldn’t be less like a sports car if it tried, so for us every corner is either a near miss or a lucky escape, its akin to driving a tonka truck on a scaletrix track.

We got a bit of a result though when we arrived at Christchurch, we had originally booked a 4 birth motor home but when we arrived they had upgraded us to a 6 birth, I swear that for that first night we were so unaccustomed to the room that we suffered from agoraphobia.

But once we got used to the space we realised that this is quite possibly the worst vehicle to have in New Zealand, the first tell tale sign was when it took us over an hour to find a parking space at the supermarket, it would have been a lot longer too if I hadn’t forcibly made an old age pensioner reverse his car out of the space I had ear marked.

Its a pretty formidable sight having a giant motor home reversing rapidly into your 50 year old vintage car and he didn’t look best happy, but youth conquered on this occasion!

We were also blown away by the fact that our shiny new vehicle was equipped with a TV and DVD player, which would have been fantastic had it not been for a gang of mountain parrots chewing off the aerial on our first night meaning that we could only receive a single badly scrambled channel, and only then we had to be parked on top of their transmitter.

Another downside to this is the fact that we now only have access to a single crackly radio station which spends the 90% of its time as static but then randomly shouts the odd word crystal clear, just as you are careering around a 90 degree turn, causing you to momenterily lose focus.

Still not to be defeated we decided to treat ourselves to Billy Connelly's New Zealand tour on DVD which was coincidently when we discovered that the DVD player doesn’t work either, still, luckily we had retained all of those wonderful card games that we had played over and over and over and over again in Australia.

Originally we had intended to follow the Billy Connelly tour in reverse order so the DVD would have been mighty useful, but take it from me, for an old guy my god does he move fast, we are already 3 days behind his schedule and we have only been here for 6.

Although the lack of electrical entertainment is a pain, it has afforded me the opportunity to write a complaint email into the car rental company and I have been having an email war with someone called Mr Smart for days, it has been an endless source of amusement to be totally patronising at every opportunity.

One of the other wonderful things about this new motor home is that you can put something in one cupboard and by the end of a journey they would have miraculously reappeared in another cupboard thanks to the incessant vibration felt throughout the back of the vehicle.

Not content with being unable to witness this spooky phenomenon actually happening Pauline took it upon herself to experiment a little further with this and decided to leave one of the cupboard doors open when we set of earlier today.

The culmination of which was a huge bang, followed several seconds later by a large fizzing sound as the entire contents of a neon orange cordial bottle proceeded to cover Pauline, Tyler, the broken TV, the broken DVD player and the remaining contents of our motor home with very thick, disgustingly sticky gloop, transforming us instantly into a travelling Tango advert.

We are now like the worlds shitest ice cream van, manned by little dayglo orange people and repleat with a jingle that consists of static and the occasion random word, and with absolutely no ice cream whatsoever.

Ohh yeah I guess I should also mention a little bit about New Zealand in this here blog, well lets see, so far we have taken an incredible helicopter ride over the Franz Josef and Fox Glaciers, they set us down on top so that we could wander about and sort of imagine what it would be like to have crashed there, as if to emphasise this they even let Tyler fly it for a bit.

Then today we reached Queenstown which is a very very picturesque town (as is pretty much everywhere we have been so far) but definitely the most touristy place we have been so far.

We looked at the local what’s on guide to see what we could sign ourselves up for and the special event for today was the topless bikini contest which seems to be a bit of a contradiction in terms and to be honest I don’t think I have the figure for that any more :-) Incidentally though Tyler was up for going and tried to persuade Pauline to have a quiet night in!

So instead we decided to plum for the Luge which totally rocked, it was in a location that was very possibly a former bond villains lair, but with every possible type of cool thrill ride stuck precariously on top of a mountain instead of just having sharks and laser guns.

For example you could throw yourself of on a para sail or a bungy jump or on the luge or on a mountain bike or you could fly above it on a helicopter or do a sky dive etc etc etc, it was like a giant testosterone filled mountain of death.

So as usual we fitted in perfectly well as we bounded up to the entrance surrounded by adrenalin junkies and potential suicide victims.

Still it was well worth it, the luge track was great fun and we got several goes at hurtling ourselves down the slick cascading runs with only a thin layer of plastic seperating our butts from the very hard looking tarmac beneath.

So long, Possums!

Thursday 19th May

I really wanted to hate Sydney, not in a nasty horrible vindictive sort of way or because of anything in particular but merely for the reason that everyone else that I know loves the place and I hate agreeing with the crowds.

Well although it pains me to admit it, on this occasion I join the masses and concur that indeed Sydney seems like a really great place to be, and whilst I haven’t instantly sold my worldly possessions in a bid to stay there longer, its definitely somewhere I would like to visit again.

The weather probably helped as we had 5 days of crystal clear blue skies with temperatures that hovered around 20 degrees and seemed to put everyone there in a great mood.

We also had a right result with our accommodation and stayed in the heart of Darling Harbour in a pretty swanky apartment that had been converted from an old warehouse and was exactly the type of place that I love with loads of cool little architectural features throughout.

So when we pulled up outside in our dodgy looking camper van and then proceeded to drag box after box of dodgy looking tat that we had accumulated, through their pristine looking foyer in front of their other very formal guests, I am sure that they were extremely pleased to have us stay with them, we are probably exactly the type of clientèle they are trying to attract.

Still, for some reason they didn’t throw us out and after an hour or so of tooing and throing we finally managed to clear the contents of the van and instantly turn one of the nicest looking rooms that we have stayed in into a complete dive.

We then set about trying to take the van back, I say trying as the address that was in their book, that we took over an hour to navigate too, isn’t actually the address that we needed and with very little time to spare we only just managed to get it back in time.

An enormous sense of relief was felt by all, not merely for the fact that we wouldn’t have to sleep in that cramped little tin room another night but also for the fact that we didn’t get charged for the damaged we did to the other vehicle.

Words cannot describe how well we all slept that night, but suffice to say we didn’t venture out too early the following morning

For as long as I can remember one of the things that I have always wanted to do is see a whale in its natural environment, I remember sitting in front of the TV with my dad watching countless David Attenborough wildlife documentaries and longing to be able to see them up close for myself.

Unfortunately we always seem to have been in the right place at the wrong time on this trip, in western Australia we were one month too early to go swimming with the whale sharks although they had already been spotted, in SA we were three weeks too early to see the whales at the great Australian Blight although they had already been spotted, it really didn’t look as if it would ever come to fruition.

So you can imagine how excited I was when we casually walked around the harbour and there in giant letters written on the side of a giant boat were the giant words “Whale watching starts here Saturday May 14th”.

Hang on a bloody minute, today's Sunday the bloody15th, I thought to myself, bloody hell we may actually get to bloody do this!

So you can imagine how incredibly disappointed I was when we bounded recklessly up to the door to find it completely locked up and showing absolutely no signs on life.

So you can imagine how amazingly happy I was to learn that we had just missed them, but they would definitely be there the next morning and that yes they had indeed spotted whales yesterday.

So you can imagine how bloody frustrated I was when having woken Pauline and Tyler up at the crack of dawn so that we could go out on the first boat of the day, we discovered that in fact the first boat of the day was 12:45 as they weren’t running the morning ones until peak season.

So you can imagine the look that my wonderful family gave me having realised that I had dragged them around the harbour at stupid o'clock in the morning for absolutely nothing.

So you can imagine how completely unamused they were at the suggestion that we should hang around outside the booth until it opened 4 hours later, and how eventually I let them convince me to do something else for the remainder of the day.

So you can imagine how wonderfully ecstatic I was the following day when we turned up at 12:00 and there in all of her glory was the wonderful little lady who was going to exchange my hard earned currency for the 99% guaranteed chance of seeing these majestic creatures!!

So you can imagine how unbelievably gutted I was having spent just over three hours on what turned out to be the bumpiest boat trip since the titanic and not having seen a single poxy thing in the water.

Still, on the bright side, we may not have seen whales that day but we did bare witness to some of the most impressive projectile vomiting seen since the Exorcist.

What made it even more spectacular was the fact that this magnificent multicoloured mucus marathon was being generated by the fruit of my loins.

If the whales had decided to pick that precise moment, to jump out of the water and have a giant whale orgy, nobody would have noticed as everyone on board, including the staff, were completely transfixed on Tyler’s regurgitating abilities, waiting in eager anticipation for his head to start rotating and his body to levitate.

What was even more incredible was the precision with which he managed to direct his streams of stomach soup, practically missing the floor entirely he landed the vast majority on our 1 week old camera and the remainder on the sleeves of my new fleece.

So thankfully we didn’t see any whales on that voyage because if we did the mere thought of lifting my vomit drenched arm towards my vomit splattered face so that I could peer through the vomit encrusted camera is a little too much for my stomach to handle.

So you can imagine the look I gave to the guy on the way out who very gingerly handed me a free return trip for the following day!

On the bright side if we had returned Tyler would have lost enough of his body mass that we could have probably taken him as carry on hand luggage and saved ourselves a fortune on the flight to New Zealand.

We have done a little over 20,000 kms around Australia and still haven’t seen hardly anything, so as I am writing this from my seat on the plane to New Zealand, I feel a mixture of regret, relief and sadness.

I regret not having been more organised, for not having rented a 4x4 to go further into the heart of the country, for not having planned our visit in advance to ensure that we were in season for everything that we wanted to do and for not having more money to really be able to experience everything the country has to offer.

I am relieved that in a country where everything is trying to kill you from its tiniest wildlife right through to the pedestrian crossings that change to red as soon as you step foot on the road and force you to sprint across to avoid carnage, we somehow managed to survive it all.

But most of all I am genuinely quite sad to be leaving, if it weren’t for the dollar being so high I am sure that we would have probably stayed a fair bit longer and I am certain that one day we will be back and hopefully this time far more organised!

Australia with a capital C

Tuesday 10th May

Before we left on this little foray I was always surprised how few people, when asked, knew what the capital of Australia was.

Having been here it turns out that the majority of the Australians couldnt care less either, and practically everyone we had met along the way had never been there.

So on a whim and a minor recommendation from a 15 year old we headed into the capital, which incidently is called Canberra.

The story behind the city is great, they had two major cities along the coast vieing for the prestige of being named the capital (Sydney & Melbourne) but nobody could decide which one the accolade should go to.

So in a moment of sheer genius they decided to build a completely new city somewhere roughly in the middle of the other two but nowhere near the coast to make it interesting for anyone to visit unless forced too.

The end result looks scarily like Washington DC and even has similar sounding street names and buildings reminisent of the giant memorials.

Wow, this is scarily sounding like a proper travel blog and is getting dangerously informative, sorry about that, I had a momentary lapse in concentration!

So anyway, in our normal completely unplanned, unorganised and generally misguided way we arrived into Canberra without anywhere to stay, no idea what there was to do and only a vague idea of how long we would be there for.

As it turns out we could have stayed there a good while as there seemed to be heaps to do but Pauline had got it into her head that she wanted to go to the Campervan, Caravan and Camping supershow in Sydney so we could only stay a few days.

We noticed a flyer for Nasa's deep space exploration centre about 20 kms outside of the capital so we duly headed there with eager anticipation, extremely full bladders and absolutely no petrol (this new van has a very dodgy gauge).

Amazingly we did manage to make it to the complex without any of these factors causing us any major concern, even if there was a final dramatic sprint towards the entrance and the highly coveted amenities within.

The place was amazing, it had 4 supersized dishes in the middle of a cow field eerily listening for Extra Terrestrial farts occuring in the distant atmosphere.

It was truly awe inspiring but at the same time rather bizarre as the entire complex was a tribute to the great feats of engineering and technological accomplishments of the US.

I think that there is something about space centres that instantly transforms you into a big kid, it makes you walk around with your mouth agape at all the really cool stuff that they do and makes you jealous that you cant play with their toys.

Still, after I stopped being grumpy that the nasty man in uniform wouldnt let me climb up onto his giant dish or let me ride on his lunar landing buggy (I am sure there is a euphemism in there somewhere), I took some comfort in chastising Tyler for trying to and telling him not to be so childish.

After our fill of space related trivia and overpriced fizzy drinks we proceeded back to our vehicle to see if we could reach somewhere else before our van broke down.

Literally running on fumes we happened across what is quite possibly the oldest petrol station in the world, with ancient pumps that only registered cents and had "Unleaded" and "Diesel" written on crayon on their heavily rusted white antique bodies.

I got out and stood there like a fool for 5 minutes wondering why the petrol wouldnt come out before I finally got the courage to venture into the ramshackle shop to seek assistance.

What lay inside was quite possibly the oldest petrol station attendant in the world, looking as though he was about to keel over at the mere sight of me coming through the door before insisting on getting up and filling the petrol for me.

Well as it turns out I could have probably walked back to Canberra in the time that it took the guy to walk to the pump but we waited patiently and he finally go there.

He then cranked some metal lever and the whole pump proceeded to shake violently, then, having assumed what I felt was an all-to-smug look on his face, he grabbed the nozzle and chucked it into our tank.

The gauge shot up to $5 in about 10 minutes (it was $1.69 a liter) and the guy then proceeded to stand there like a fool wondering why the petrol wasnt coming out for a further 10 minutes before finally admitting defeat and informing us that he thought it had run out yesterday.

This would have been pretty useful information to have emparted prior to making the arduous journey from his seat to the pumps and he looked a little lost for a moment before adopting a huge grin and suggesting that we could always fill up with his "VX Super Unleaded" at only $2.69 a litre.

Needless to say we paid our $5 thanked him for the wonderful time we had spent together , which we all agreed had been far longer than we had initially anticipated and then proceeded to coast our way back through to Canberra.

The following day we headed out to Questacon, a giant child infested petri dish of scientific mayhem where practically everything is pokable, twistable, jumpable or broken.

It was fantastic fun and it took Pauline and Tyler less than a few minutes to identify the location of the shadow freezing exhibit (similar to the one in Perth on a previous post) and proceed to comandeer it once again in the name of stupidity.

They also had a 60s style phychedelic video maker and for some reason this inspired Tyler to assume the persona of David Brent from "The office" and proceed to perform his legendary dance to a growing crowed of bemused school children.

We also got the opportunity to learn a bit more about the deadly wildlife here in one of the free presentations that were running, this one concentrated on Spiders and once again convinced me that this country is trying to kill all of its inhabitants one by one.

From here we headed down towards Sydney in order to drop into the aformentioned caravan show which definately had a lot of similarities to the aformentioned science museum.

For example, here too everything was pokable, twistable jumpable or broken, however turns out that we werent meant to be poking, twisting or jumping on anything and definately broke more than a couple of things because of this.

The place was absolutely heaving with people handing over vast quantaties of cash for their opportunity to spend countless future days stuck in a metal box listening to their other halves bowel movements and longing to be in a hotel room instead.

Tyler was give a giant balloon by a kindly gentleman and I couldnt help noticing that it was a happy birthday balloon and that he also had a number 5 one in his hand.

What kind of sick, vindictive parents take their 5 year old to a Caravan show to celebrate their 5th birthday?

Probably the same kind of parents that stick their 8 year old son in a campervan for three months and drag him around Australia, but lets hope not!

Anyway we are now into our final week of our campervan adventure and have headed a little north of Sydney where we have once again cheated and booked into a cabin as we are all still ill and will definately commit murder if we spend another night cramped into the shitmobile.

Another day, another camera!

Monday 2nd May

Unbelievably we have had to buy yet another bloody camera after our forth one gave up the ghost and started to produce completely white shots (which to be honest were probably better than the intended photos anyway).

Well, I really wish I had some exciting stuff to write about but we really haven't done a whole heap of late.

We have just spent 8 days on Philip island doing diddly squat so that Tyler had the opportunity to play with some kids during their Easter holidays.

It was nice not to have to drive and because they were fully booked we ended up in a bunk house for the week which meant that we had 20 kids in our room every day as we were the only ones with the room.

Whilst we were there Tyler had a surf lesson which was cool, it was most amusing watching him trying to haul a 7 ft surf board on his own through the very large waves, he would take a few steps forward and then be swept back to the beach whilst I was in laughing fits on the beach.

We got some fantastic pictures, or at least we would have done if they hadn't all come out white and made us realise that we needed another bloody camera.

I think we have come to the realisation that spending 3 months in a camper van together was a fantastic idea in principle but in reality it is way to long to be stuck together in a tiny metal tin on wheels.

Whilst our new camper van is definitely an improvement over the one we broke, it still lacks space and regardless of how we arrange things we inevitably get in each others faces, arses or armpits on an all too regular basis.

Also we seem to have got into a routine of driving somewhere, sleeping then just moving on to the next place without absorbing anything whilst we are there.

Admittedly our time frame is somewhat restrictive so we do need to keep moving at a fair pace but lately it seems that the driving has definitely outweighed the sites.

Ohh yeah and we are all ill so this week kinda sucks royally.

So instead of reflecting on all of the cool stuff that we haven't done, I thought that I would take the opportunity to talk about a couple of the general observations that we have made during our time here in Oz.

Apart from the obvious stuff like the fact that it's a bloody massive country and the majority of locals are off their tits crazy there are also other things that may be of interest:

1: When it came to naming places in Australia there seems to have been a couple of guiding principles that have been replicated over the vast majority of the country:

i. Lets just steal the name from England.
I am currently writing this from a caravan park in Stratford upon Avon (yes they even stole the names of our rivers) but all of the old UK favorites are here, Newcastle, Brighton, Cambridge and Cowes to name but a few.

ii. Lets wait until the acid kicks in for inspiration
This seems to be by far the most popular choice when it comes to naming a town with some real gems such as Woolloomooloo, Koombooloomba and Dooboobetic

iii. Lets wait until the acid kicks in and then name the place twice for good measure
Another popular choice with favorites including Wagga Wagga, Booti Booti, Boonoo Boonoo and the Bungle Bungles

You never really appreciate these names when they are just printed in black and white but they come into a world of their own when you ask someone for directions, it sounds more like a roll call for the Teletubbies than anything meaningful.

2. Australians do not know the meaning of the word censorship!

Take for example the radio, if they want to play a song that contains bad language they simply make a quick announcement that states "this next one contains some filthy words, if that's not your thing then turn over for a bit" and then they blast it out regardless of the time of day!

We were literally listening to bad mother fu*$!ng gangsta rap at 08:00 in the morning just when little johnny is tucking into his snap crackle and pops.

R.I.P Nameless the Crappy Camper van

Monday 18th April

It is with great regret and a smidge of sarcasm that we finally had to bid a sad farewell to our beloved and trusty campervan who over the past two months has found a special place in our heart (right in the darkest depths) and temporarily became a member of our extended family (albeit the horrible distant relation that you always hate to visit but are made too).

As such we thought that it would be rather fitting to dedicate the beginning of this blog entry to the fond memories that we have shared together over the last 2 months and highlight some of the amazing features that came to light on this feat of engineering supremacy.

Everyone that we have encountered on our trip thus far have taken the time to provide their vehicles with witty little names that reflect their unique characters and increase their bond with the van, however all of the names we designated were definitely not suitable for Tyler's ears and as a result it shall forever remain nameless.

Although the van was obtained from one of the cheaper rental companies it had many features that even the most expensive motorhomes lacked, for example:

Anti filth sensors:
In order to ensure that the inhabitants of the vehicle maintain a certain level of sanitary cleanliness at all times the vehicle is equipped with its own internal fresh water shower which, depending on weather, will rain down on all inhabitants at varying times and with varying levels of intensity.

Day Spa
Unlike other lesser vans on the market, this one comes as standard with its own Turkish bath option that is automatically activated every morning to create a soothing mass of steam and water right in the comfort of your own bed.

Tailored right turn anti roll system:
One of the more advanced features that is included on this model is the patented right turn handling system which is made possible due to the van listing very heavily to the left at all times.

As a result turning right is a complete doddle as you stick to the road regardless of speed, unfortunately a lack of engineering foresight means that left turns are somewhat trickier and must be taken at snails pace to avoid rolling the beast, but who turns left these days anyway?

Advanced Anti Access System:
A breakthrough in not breaking through, this system ensures that you will never tire of opening doors again as you try to work out which ones will unlock when the key is turned. Its a great game for all of the family as no two turns are ever the same.

Just when you think you have finally cracked the sequence the van ups it game by applying the Super Lock feature to your back door which now means you have to climb in through one of the randomly unlocked doors to open it as the handle has been disabled.

Great fun for all the family or your money back!

Automated oil changing engine:
An engine that is so highly advanced it regularly changes its own oil every few weeks in order to ensure that optimum efficiency is achieved at all times*

*Note: New oil not included and must be purchased in vast quantities at drivers cost
One way Mosquito screens:
All windows are fitted with the very latest one way mosquito screens ensuring easy access into the vehicle for a wide variety of flying wildlife and creating your very own insect zoo without ever having to leave the vehicle.

Watch in amazement as some of natures most spectacular winged insects fly right before your eyes and penetrate your skin.

Starsky & Hutch Wheels:
One of the most sought after accessories of the year, with Starsky and Hutch wheels you are guaranteed to screech your way around every single corner creating the illusion of driving at breakneck speeds for all spectators to envy*

*Note: Please do not drive at speed however as this feature is achieved by having no tread on any of the tyres.
Yes, our little van will be sadly missed indeed, however we now have yet another one that is slightly less broken so I am sure we will have a few more undiscovered features to update people on at some point.

I cant even remember when I last updated the blog so I am sure that I will miss something out, however we have just spent a few days up in Melbourne as we had to exchange our van.

Luckily we arrived to discover that the annual Melbourne Comedy Festival was running, unluckily we arrived with an 8 year old in tow which meant our comedic access was limited to children's entertainment.

We went to see a show call the list operators who were two homosexual guys talking about 'Compooters' and dreaming of Robert Pattison which was very surreal.

I got pulled up on stage by them in order to recreate a game of original Pong in a children versus the smelliest parent in the room (yes that was what it was called and the tag fitted pretty bloody well) nail biting contest which I lost at spectacularly.

I absolutely hate getting up on stage but I did point out to Pauline that being pulled up on stage by two homosexuals during their performance was by far more preferable than being pulled off on stage by two homosexuals during their performance, however next time I think I will take to cowering in the back and running away if necessary.

They did teach us a new bit of text speak though which is ROFLSHTALBOWCO, answers on a postcard if you can guess what it stands for but I am sure that if you have made it this far and are reading this you probably couldn't care less.

We also jumped aboard the free city tram which provides a guided tour of the city for free, it was fantastic and totally unexpected in a place where everything seems to cost more than we had ever expected, Pauline loved it as it takes you past all of the churches and there were hundreds of people getting married that day so she could critique their clothes.

After leaving Melbourne we headed down to the Mornington Pennisula in order to meet my parents good friends John (whom I had been chatting to on email for years when we were first thinking of doing this crazy trip) & Glynnis, their daughter Gaynor and dogs Baxter and Hazel.

Once again we were spoilt rotten and thoroughly looked after and this time we got to learn some embarrassing stories about my parents and John took us around on a guided tour of the area so it was a thoroughly enjoyable trip!

Every time we stay with people we never want to leave as they have all made us feel so welcome, however needs must and as a result we have worked our way a little further around the coast to Phillip Island and will be then heading upwards towards New South Wales.

We have also now decided to head across to New Zealand next month which should be fun!

The Great Ocean Campervan

Monday 11th April

After the exquisite luxury of Chez Johnson (our friends house) in Adelaide we have found it extremely difficult returning to the camper van way of life.

The weather here has taken a nasty turn for the worse over the passed week and the van has been pummelled every night by rain storms that last several hours.

Its like living in a giant bass box with an out of practice steel drum band on the roof reciting the same mind numbing tune for hours on end using extra large sledgehammers for drumsticks.

That, when coupled with the gale force gusts of wind that gently rock the van too and thro like an over enthusiastic wrecking ball and the leak in our roof that has created our very own indoor ocean waterfall, pretty much guarantees a complete lack of sleep.

We were informed that the town where we had stayed on Thursday was having the worst weather that it had seen in the passed 13 years, which was nice.

Having said that the Great Ocean Road is absolutely stunning, you wonder what all of the fuss is about at first, the road is pretty boring and when you reach the first town its not coastal and very nondescript.

Then all of a sudden you turn the corner and are totally knocked for six, quite literally words could never do justice to the transformation that occurs in front of your eyes at that moment, so I wont even bother trying.

Pauline and I just sat there, mouths agape for several minutes, Tyler on the other hand was still trying to win a battle on Pokemon and couldn't have given a hoot about rock formations or any other type of scenery for that matter.

So, in order to change his perspective we then proceeded to stop at every available scenic spot en route and drag him out for photos ops and to give him his dues he did eventually fain an interest.

When we reached the twelve apostles we were once again gob smacked, not because of the spectacle itself (which is very cool) but because there was a full car park and loads of people scurrying about doing touristy things, which up until now we hadn't seen anywhere in Oz.

We found a space and then proceeded down to the viewing platforms with the masses feeling a little put out, up until this moment Oz had felt like our own private island with the odd helpful tour guide to point you in the right direction.

Still it was well worth the walk and as we are currently only a few miles down the coast from it we may well go back again this morning for a quick look.

I am not sure if I had previously mentioned that our fantastic camper van is so cutting edge that it is equipped with a top of the range cassette deck, which up until now had either been used for listening to static on the radio or as a clock for those people that need to know when it is precisely 10:00.

Well now, thanks to a rather impromptu budget blowing splurge at one of the recent Op shops (1$) by Pauline, we are cruising down the most spectacular road in the world accompanied by Al Johnson and Frank Sinatra singing the greats.

Also, in other news, seaweed provisions are depleting quickly from the southern coastline of Australia after yet another successful fishing attempt by the smith family.

Idlelaide

Tuesday 5th April

Wow I am so utterly crap at updating this thing, we are now in Adelaide and I hadn't realised how long it had been so sorry!

To be honest there wasn't a huge amount to write about the last week or so in West Australia.

We lost our car to the mechanics for a few days and they kindly rented me a bright purple Daewoo with a sun burnt roof to drive around in (which i promptly broke quite spectacularly by taking out the entire front wing).

When will these people learn not to trust me with their vehicles?

From there we headed down to Esperance and Lucky Bay which was absolutely spectacular with some of the most breathtaking coastline that I have ever seen in my life and an abundance of kangaroos milling around the campsites and sunning themselves.

We made it across the Nullabor, albeit having to fill up with petrol 4 times and oil twice, which meant that upon arrival in Adelaide our lovely little van went straight back into the garage.

When we reached South Australia we spent a few nights in coffin bay a beautiful little coastal village with its own seal colony and occasional shark death.

On our first night there we met a crazy Vietnam war veteran who informed us that we would be accompanying him on his fishing trip the following day, he had a similar persona to the crazy fisherman from the original Jaws film and there was a very good chance that he only invited us to use as bait.

Amazingly we did catch a fair few fish during the course of the day and he even drove us out to the adjacent island so that we could see the sea lions frolicking in the surf which was cool and we returned back to shore with all of our limbs which was even cooler.

We had seen adverts for cage diving with the great white shark in Western Australia and it was going to be our one blow the budget item when we reached Port Lincoln, however when we got there they wanted to charge us over £1000 so we bottled it.

Instead though we did get to come face to face with a giant great white, although this one was made out of papier mache and had cost us $3 to view, it also had the added bonus of an overly enthusiastic tour guide who obviously couldn't believe tourists had finally shown up to see the "Shakka" the shark.

She continued to linger around the entire time that we were there and you could tell how proud she was of this giant Blue Peter model that was quietly sat gathering dust in the back of the visitors centre.

Following on from there we headed north up the Eyre Peninsula and other than the occasional skink on the road we didn't see a huge amount, we spent one night in Port Augusta and then continued down the Yorke Peninsula which had much of the same.

We have been spoilt rotten here in Adelaide, Linda, Mark and their kids, Roan and Maeh have gone out of their way to ensure that we have been very well looked after, we have been totally blown away by their hospitality and are amazed that they didn't kick us out as soon as they saw the van pull around the corner or the moment that they smelt us :-)

As a result we haven't seen a great amount of Adelaide as we have been really lazy and its been fantastic, we have completely vegged out and recouped but its going to be hard to get back onto the road tomorrow :-(

E=MC2

Monday 21st March

When Einstein initially laid down the foundations for his idea of
 Having said that perhaps Schrodinger could have potentially used one to outline his famous paradox instead of his poxy cat in order to demonstrate the possibility that multiple states can coexist in a box at a single time.

In order to prove this all one needs to do is to climb aboard a Toyota Hiace campervan and fart in the kitchen, for in that single moment that fart not only exists in the kitchen but also in the dining room, lounge and bedroom.

Unfortunately we have been replicating this particular scientific experiment a little too regularly to the point where I now wonder if our vehicle can be classified as duel fuel due to its high abundance of gas.

Anyway, amazingly we have somehow made it as far south as we can and are in the process of heading east towards Adelaide to visit our friends.

We spent a few days in Perth and the surrounding areas which were really nice, we started out in Cottlesoe, a place that I could move to tomorrow for its postcard perfect beaches and abundance of beautiful architecture.

We were fortunate enough to have turned up during their annual sculpture on the beach event which meant that for the next few hours Pauline and Tyler witnessed great feats of contortion as I tried in vain to get the perfect picture.

Crowds were out en mass and it seemed to me to be the perfect location as both families and art lovers alike meandered around the various exhibits before taking the opportunity to relax on the beach and soak up the atmosphere.

Following this we paid a visit to the science museum in order to whet Tyler's appetite a little and catch up on the many months of science lessons that we should have been doing on this trip.

The place was amazing with activities everywhere that would be guaranteed to keep the average child's mind amused for hours and as if to prove this we lost Pauline for the majority of the day as she became hooked on a single exhibit.

They had set up a giant phosphorescence demonstration that allowed you to temporarily freeze your shadow onto a giant white wall by simply clicking a button, running quickly over to a wall, posing and voila!

In no time at all Pauline had commandeered the exhibit and was pulling handstands and cartwheels much to the complete amazement of the majority of young kids who had gathered around wondering what facility she had just escaped form.

Eventually Tyler and I managed to drag her away from her many adoring fans so that we could escape before they locked up for the night.

We headed down into Freemantle and witnessed a bush fire in the distance that had just started and in no time at all seemed to have spread to the point where we spent the evening watching helicopter after helicopter dumping water on it.

The following day I successfully convinced Pauline that we should check out the reptile centre nearby a place absolutely teeming with snakes, many of which seemed to be allowed to have their windows open during the day.

I was in my element, Pauline was in the parking lot and Tyler was once again trying to get as close as possible to anything that is in anyway dangerous, perhaps this is just his way of indicating that he has had enough of travelling with his parents.

Nevertheless as soon as they mentioned the possibility of bringing out one of the larger reticulating pythons for a little while, Tyler was at the front of the queue again, I think he had even polished his neck for some reason.

Unfortunately due to my over enthusiastic photography earlier on during the snake feeding session my camera died yet again so I couldn't record this spectacular feat of idiocy.

Following on from this we continued to head south and decided to stop into Honeymoon Pool a site in the middle of dense woodland that we had been recommended by Derek and Ellie the people whom we had met up in Coral Bay.

After missing the turn off multiple times and having every bone in our body shaken to the point of fusion by yet another 4 wheel drive road that would invalidate our rental agreement, we finally managed to locate the place.

Scarily just as we drove in, there were Derek and Ellie sitting by their nice sparkly new campervan as if the very fact that they recommended somewhere meant that they actually had to stay there in case you dropped in.

It was great to see some friendly faces and have a proper natter but unfortunately they were heading out first thing the following morning so it was short and sweet.

The camp itself was wonderful, there was no power and you felt totally cut off from the outside world at night, Tyler had instantly pulled out his "snake stick" which had been sanded and carved for him in Coral bay.

This basically consisted of a long branch a little shorter than himself which had been carefully cut into a point by Jodi whom we met at Coral Bay (this alone ensured its continual usage as Jodi and Barney were Tyler's new idols who have inspired him to become a kite surfer!).

The remainder of the evening was spent locating two additional snake sticks so that Pauline and I could be protected too, we even fashioned them into primitive spears in front of the camp fire, a thoroughly enjoyable evening surrounded by mother nature.

The unfortunate thing about mother nature though is that she doesn't have a volume switch that you can adjust when it suits, which is why we found ourselves being woken at stupid o'clock in the morning by scavenging ravens intent on destroying our campervan.

At least that's what it sounded like, although when I finally managed to convince my body to get up and take a look they were actually eating all of the dead locusts off of the front of the van, perhaps if we left it there long enough they may even clean it for us.

So blearry eyed we once again headed out, this time down to the St Margret river region famous as "THE" wine region of Australia, yipee, and all I want is a pint of fosters which 'apparently' isn't actually sold in Australia.

After the lack of sleep from the night before we decided to splurge a little and booked ourselves into a hotel for the night, we had high intentions of spending the day ambling around town soaking up the sights but ended up lounging in bed until 4pm.

When we did finally move we were informed that there was a celebration in town to mark the annual wine festival, this basically consisted of a handful of craft stools, some of the worst live music that I have ever endured and a giant slide that hurled you into a massive vat of grapes.

Much to Tyler's disappointment you had to be at least 10 to go on the giant slide and although he tried his best to convince us to lie initially, when we finally bore witness to the slide in action even he said it was too lame and lost interest.

We could have walked down the slope fast than any of the participants and soon got tired of watching and decided instead to do something far more scary, we went to watch the live entertainment.

To give you an idea of what it was like we arrived during the children's entertainment to find a woman bent over in the middle of the stage brandishing a whip and swinging it around her in a rather provocative manner.

Sadly after that things went down hill rather rapidly so we decided to cut our losses and retreat back to our nice little hotel room for the evening.

I guess the funny thing about the annual Margret River wine celebration is the complete and utter lack of wine that was to be found anywhere, I am guessing that if they tried to advertise what was actually there nobody would turn up.

We sadly waved goodbye to our hotel room and continued our journey the following morning without even the slightest hint of a hangover.

On route we passed a lookout that potentially offered some spectacular views over the forests and rivers below so we decided to pull in and take a look.

This is the moment that we discovered our starter motor was dodgy, stuck in the middle of a forest quite a long way away from any major civilization.

Amazingly the friendly man from the RAC arrived 20 minutes later, hit the underneath of our van with a hammer (which we will attempt to claim caused the bent arm from the crash) before giving up and giving us a pull start.

For the remainder of the day any tourist activities were restricted to those that thoughtfully built themselves on the top of hills (the valley of the giants) and bypassing those that had not (the really cool looking land of the dinosaurs and reptile park) but even then Pauline and Tyler had to push us off.

We had initially wanted to stop in Denmark for the evening but decided instead to continue through to Albany in case we got stranded somewhere that didn't have the part to fix it.

Unfortunately as it turns out Albany also falls into this category so we are currently holed up in the local hostel awaiting news on the fate of our campervan and the possibility that we could be here for several more days.
I am not sure that his universally excepted equation would have gained the same traction if his advertising campaign had pictured Tyler and Pauline pushing a crappy old campervan out of a petrol station and down a hill in order to gain enough momentum to start it, although I could be wrong.
mass–energy equivalence I somehow doubt that he had a Toyota Hiace campervan in mind and even if he did I very much doubt that his one had a dodgy starter motor like ours.

Monkey Mia, Here we go again!

Thursday 10th March

Well it has taken a few days but we have finally got over the fact that I almost killed us all in a car crash! Although its going to take some time for our bodies to get used to the fact and both Pauline and I are still hobbling around like old aged pensioners.

Tyler seems totally immune to it all and still thinks that it was great fun to be flying through the air in a beaten up Toyota Hiace, he keeps telling people that he was in zero gravity and how cool it was.

As a special treat for almost dying I upgraded us to a shack in the caravan park and it had a wonderful thing called "air conditioning" which should have allowed us to get the first solid nights sleep for weeks if we hadn't both just laid awake replaying the accident over and again.

After what felt like a few minutes sleep it was time to check out and discover the marvels of Canarvon whilst we waited for the hospital report (They let us keep all of Pauline's x-rays, which I am sure is not totally above board but is way cool!).

Unfortunately the advice that we had received about Canarvon turned out to be correct, there is absolutely bugger all to do in the town, we figured we would go to the cinema but upon checking the listings it turns out that its only open twice a week and appeared to be playing films that had been made 20 years ago.

After several hours of driving around or scrutinising every single item on the shelf of the local supermarket we finally managed to grab our hospital report and headed out as quickly (but safely) as possible.

You cant help but wonder if the locals create pot holes on purpose just to give themselves something to do and to ensure that they get a steady flow of tourists dropping in from time to time.

Originally we had planned to stay at a place called Eagles Bluff which has a raised platform overlooking the sea where you can simply look down and gaze upon the plethora of sharks, rays and other exciting marine life coming into the shallows.

When we finally got there however the place had signs everywhere telling us that we couldn't camp or we would receive a hefty fine so instead we just took the opportunity to saunter out to the viewing deck and try to catch a glimpse of jaws.

I am not sure how anyone has ever seen anything there, it was so windy that you couldn't keep your head in the same position for more than a couple of seconds without it being violently thrust to one side which meant that anything that could have been in the water acquired a heavily blurred look to it.

There could have been all sorts down there for all I know but when you are desperately trying not to get swept over the side by gale force winds you tend to have more pressing matters on your mind that identifying species of fish.

So, with our heads hung low, partly to protect them and partly due to feeling gutted that we had driven a hell of a long way to be blown away by sharks and instead almost got blown into sharks, we called it a night and decided to drive straight through to Monkey Mia.

I am so glad that we did, we were just driving out of Denham when we suddenly saw something move on the crest of the hill and it wasn't until we drove past that we manage to identify what it was.

Right in the middle of the road, looking a little mythed as to why a slightly broken looking white box on wheels was circling it and making excited noises and flashes, was a big blackish brown snake.

Since coming to Oz I have become absolutely fascinated with them and much to Paulines chagrin Tyler and I have brought a couple of books to identify any that we see and work out if they could kill us or not.

After taking dozens of photos we moved on again, only to see yet another snake slithering along the side of the road, slightly smaller but no less exciting as it shot past us with incredible speed.

Two seconds later we saw yet another one, unfortunately this one was dead but it was huge and probably didn't mind me circling it in my broken looking white box on wheels making excited noises and taking dozens of photos.

By this time you can imagine how it felt to be Pauline, not only was she still in a world of pain from the crash, she didn't sleep a wink the night before and now she knows that our next destination is literally surrounded by snakes.

That night I slept better than I have ever slept as I knew full well that Pauline would be up all night listening for hissing noises and guarding the van.

Monkey Mia is famous for its dolphins who are abundant along the shores of the resort and although they are still wild many have become so used to human interaction that they are now reliant on them as a source of food.

When we arrived we headed straight down to the beach and straight into a pack of dolphins, merrily swimming along the shore front minding their own business.

One moment there were three of them and then a few seconds later there was a weird looking one that had popped up alongside them.

Yep, sure enough Tyler had immediately jumped in and started to swim with them, totally unfazed as though it was the most natural thing in the world, one things for sure, I am going to need to keep a closer eye on him if we do go swimming with the great whites!

The following morning there were hundreds of people gathered on the beach in an attempt to watch someone feed the dolphins, to me it all looked too forced and the dolphins may as well have been in the zoo as they were literally surrounded by tourists.

As there is such an abundance of marine life here we decided to book ourselves onto a boat tour to see if we could see some of the larger species up close and personal, the trip that we finally decided on was cancelled for the day as the boat was broken so we decided to extend our stay and relax a little.

That evening we tried our hand at fishing again, we had picked up a reel, a float, a hook, some bread and a moldy melon, which I believe constitutes everything you could ever possibly need to catch everything you could possibly catch.

Tyler was really excited and we waddled down to the jetty, fully expecting to nail ourselves a whopper, we even sat triumphantly amongst the professional looking fisherman with their "rods" and other silly gizmo's.

We stuck our bucket on the floor retrieved our hook, shoved a piece of bread onto the end and then launched it gracefully through the air into the beautiful turquoise water beneath.

The bread instantly fell off, so we tried again and again and again until I struck onto the idea of using a moldy piece of melon to wedge it onto the end and for a minute we thought we had cracked it, the hook sunk to the floor, the float bobbed and Tyler wandered off to go swimming.

I sat there for ages watching that damn float bob about on top of the water until finally I got bored and pulled it in only to discover that there was nothing on the end of the line after all, some greedy little dinner fodder had gone and grabbed it ages ago.

Obviously because I looked so dejected the lady next to me gave me a big bag of bait that she had finished with, which basically consisted of a load of little fish that I could easily have told Tyler I had caught.

Unfortunately pride now got the better of me so instead of doing the sensible thing and lying through my teeth to my 8 year old son as per usual, I decided instead to try and snag myself a monster.

Well I can assure you that fishing is all down to the bait, its incredible how much the fish loved this stuff, no sooner had I loaded it onto the hook than they promptly devoured it.

I went through 6 fish in a matter of seconds and you could actually sit and watch the fish demolish every last bit of it from the hook, I swear I even saw one of them use the hook as a tooth pick.

I had basically become a glorified fish feeder providing an al a carte meal to them on silver service, in fact it must have been so good that in no time at all they had told their friends and a huge group of fish swam around my feet taunting me.

I finally gave up and started heading back to shore just in time to hear "Shark" and my heart sunk, ohh my god Tyler's in the water, it was a scene right out of jaws only this time "Brody" had a little more weight around his stomach and a bucket half full of moldy melon and dead sardines.

Luckily for me but unluckily for the Shark it was actually shouted by a fisherman who had just caught it, admittedly he had used a rod so had a distinct advantage but sure enough when I reached his pitch he was proudly holding a reef shark.

I quickly took a picture of them as I figured that I could probably super impose my face onto his later and immortalise my fishing prowess forever, as an added bonus he was in better shape than me too!

The following morning we headed out onto the boat for our cruise around the shark bay, we saw a few dugongs and turtles but by far the highlight of the day was our visit to Dirk Hartog Island.

The island itself is an uninhabited wildlife sanctuary and our boat was the first that had been there for a few days which meant that it was absolutely teeming with life everywhere.

I was fortunate enough to be the first to swim over into the bay and found myself literally surrounded by reef sharks and shovel nosed rays, some of which were far bigger than me, it was absolutely incredible.

We spent about an hour snorkeling around before it was time to head back to the boat and sail back to shore.

On the way back one of the staff happened to mention the prevalence of tiger sharks in the area of late which once again would have been useful information to have about an hour and a half ago, before we had naively jumped into the water completely oblivious.

Still, we all had the limbs that we had started off the day with so I guess its all good!
From here we headed down to Geraldton and as we needed to get the van serviced we decided that we may as well stay for a few days.

Geraldton is a pleasant enough town with some lovely quaint streets and a cinema that actually shows films from our decade on a daily basis, it also had traffic lights which caught me totally off guard when I saw them as its the first place we have been that's been big enough since Darwin.

I checked the car in and had a five minute chat with the mechanics which basically provided me with a very thorough description of everything that there is to do locally, which basically equates to absolutely nothing at all.

This is how we found ourselves at 09:00 the next day queuing up outside a grayish metallic building on the grounds of Geraldton Port eagerly awaiting to be admitted into the Geraldton Lobster Factory!

Did you know that when you keep lobsters packed at a certain temperature they can sleep for days on end, which means that lobster from Australia can still be alive and kicking when they reach the tanks of restaurants in China, no, well now you do!

See this is an informative blog after all!

Other than that I found the tour and the facility very cruel, they process 180,000 lobsters there at a time which is an incredible amount and I am amazed that this can be sustainable, I longed to pick up the little boxes and set them all free!

In the immortal words of Forrest Gump, "Well, that's about all I have to say about that!"

What does'nt kill you makes you stronger!!

Friday 4th March

Once again I have been a little remiss in updating this thing but this time I have a genuine and valid excuse.

A little known fact about Australia (at least to Pauline and I) is that the entire North West of the country effectively closes up shop for the winter wet season.

So other than provide detailed and vivid descriptions of the various roadkill that we encountered I didn't have a whole lot to update anyone on.

Whilst we were in Broome we decided to check out the Crocodile park that was just out of town, it was pretty pricey at $90 and only open for an hour and a half a day but we had been told it was worth checking out.

We pulled up to the car park a few minutes before it opened and were the only ones there, we figured it may be closed but were quickly ushered inside and allowed to roam around on our own for a few moment.

Then the local guide came out and we literally had a one on one tour of the facility which included allowing us to feed the saltwater crocodiles and getting far closer to the animals than we could have imagined.

They had some incredible animals there including a 20ft croc called Chomper who was quite possibly the scariest thing I have ever seen.

We managed to narrowly avoid being eaten by crocs or blown away by cyclone Carlos and quickly headed further south to avoid the newly developing cyclone before it had a chance to reach us.

The north west coastal region is made up of several fairly large mining towns where people are earning an absolute fortune and as a result the price to stay there is astronomical.

We met a guy in the visitors centre of Port Hedland who had paid $380 for one nights accommodation at the local holiday inn a place that made our camper van look ritzy.

Apparently there were no tourists in town at all, which wasn't a surprise as the only tour being offered was a tour of the local mineshaft so we quickly moved on and decided to drive an extra 500kms on to the next town.

Well at least that was the intent, however on the mind numbingly boring drive down we saw a little sign advertising the "80 mile beach caravan park" and thought we would take a looksy.

The place was incredible, we were literally the only people there other than the owners, a park ranger and a couple who had liked it so much they stayed there for 12 months.

The beach itself was staggering to witness, it felt as though you had been washed ashore on a gigantic island without another sole in sight for as far as the eye could see in any direction.

The beach was a combers delight with giant shells all over the place and various bones and other things, we even stumbled across some gigantic whale bones that had been washed ashore due to the strong cyclone winds, but were told that we would be fined $10000 if we moved them.

On the way back to our camper we were told that the ranger had just found a snake and would bring it down to have a hold if we wanted to.

The rangers car pulled up and out got Crocodile Dundee reincarnate, or at least a full size doppelganger replete with giant Aussie hat, shades and a stubby beer cooler.

When he told us that his name was Mick it only confirmed the fact that Paul Hogan was alive and hiding in this campervan park.

He quickly pulled out the wild snake that he had found earlier and draped it around Tyler's shoulder, then he pointed out that although it wasn't poisonous it would probably bite as they had a habit to panic.

Tyler seemed completely oblivious to this though and took it for a walk about, I am sure that he was contemplating keeping it but Paulines stern looks from afar soon got through to him and he handed it back.

Mick Dundee then told us he found one of the deadly king brown snakes the day before just behind the site but he apologised that he had released it already, I am sure otherwise he would have allowed us to get a group photo of us hugging it.

The park was so nice that we extended our stay a few days and literally did absolutely nothing at all.

From there we headed on down to the Ningaloo reef, firstly to Exmouth where we spent the night in the national park next to the beach.

The scenery was breathtaking and would have been a great place to stay if it wasn't for the lack of wind, massive storm and scorpion that sat underneath our door watching our every move.

We literally had about an hours sleep and drove on wearily through to Coral Bay, a place that we fell in love with not only because of its natural beauty but also because there were loads of other travellers there to chat with.

We were initially going to spend a day there but extended it to four and were still very sad to be leaving, we met some fantastic people and had a great time snorkeling and walking along the coastline.

Yesterday evening we went for a walk and waded through the water in a small bay that was about knee
deep, no sooner had we stepped ashore than we turned around and there were 3 sharks circling the area that we had just left.

It was definitely a change of underwear moment but once we had recovered our senses we quickly ran around the edge trying to get a better view of them, the bay was literally teeming with marine life.

Next time however, it may be worth us looking around before entering as there was a giant "Shark Nursery - Do not enter water" sign that we hadn't seen.

After a few sad goodbyes we headed south again in an attempt to reach Monkey Mia by the end of the day.

There is a largish town called Carnarvon about half way down but we had been told by at least 10 people that it is incredibly boring and that we should just carry straight on through and not give it a second glance.

So its a little annoying to be sitting in Carnarvon Coral Caravan Park writing this, especially after having spent the majority of the day at the hospital with Pauline, especially after having stacked the camper van into a pothole at 100kph and turning it temporarily into a flying space shuttle.

The entire contents of the campervan were literally floating around in front of our eyes as we majestically flew through the air screaming our heads off.

NASA should probably investigate Toyota Hiace campervans as a low cost alternative to all of that expensive training equipment they waste their money on.

Fortunately after some injections Pauline is fine but she literally couldn't move for the first half of the day, temporarily allowing her to experience what its like to be a man with a hangover.

Amazingly the van, which I had put down as a total write off, is in fact fine and apart from what the mechanics termed as a "bent arm", which cant be too bad as my arm bends and it hasn't done me any harm, we are good to go.

Pauline may even get a copy of her x-rays as a souvenir so it hasn't been a complete waste of time, the only challenge will be trying to find something interesting to do here for the next few days!